Processing…

Dedicated to Liam Payne, and every other voice lost too soon.

[PHOTO CREDIT] One Direction “Where We Are” Tour Poster | East Rutherford NJ 08/2016 by Jamison Costolnick

It’s been a month. It’s been a month and there are still news outlets rigorously reporting on what actually happened during what would become your last hours.

Losing a musician that was a large pillar of what would become my relationship and fondness for music, at 21, was not something I was prepared for. Everyone jokes about what their reactions will be when they eventually have kids, and find out insert teen heartthrob here passes, starting the explanation of who they were to you. But humor is quickly lost when you are experiencing this breaking news in your twenties, alongside your college friend who — now that you think of it — you may not have met without One Direction.

Meet Dill (her real name is Dylan, but to me she is Dill):

[PHOTO CREDIT] Dill and I 05/2024 by Jamison Costolnick

Dylan and I met on October 1, 2021 — when through a mutual friend we went to see Harry Styles during Love on Tour in Nashville.

Although growing up in different states entirely, we share a lot of similarities as only children who happen to have a fondness for cats. The most deeply rooted of those similarities being the fangirl blood racing through our veins. After Love on Tour we were fast friends. Hanging out often, for activities often involving a cafe and mall, with a drive or two in-between — where aux revealed that we also had a deep history with 5 Seconds of Summer, Shawn Mendes, and of course One Direction.

I’ve scream-sung just about every One Direction, 5SOS and Shawn Mendes lyric with Dylan — whether live or in the car. I like to think our younger selves led us to one another — because college sure as hell wouldn’t have been the same without her.

[PHOTO CREDIT] Dill and I 02/2024 by Jamison Costolnick

I could sit and write within this blog post for hours about all of the thoughts and feelings I have regarding the handling of this loss within media. However, I feel anyone with empathy for the situation understands how poorly handled it was and doesn’t need the reminder.

It’s hard to mourn someone you didn’t know. But to sit here and write that never once in my life have I sat in a room with One Direction would be lie.

I didn’t meet them, sure, but they were in the room with me — via the walls and my speakers. I knew every lyric to every song. I knew every fact and inside joke. I was lucky enough to be at every tour. I skipped school to attend the release events for FOUR in Florida with my mom. Me and millions of others have sat in a room with One Direction — and many were in that same room when they found out this news.

The sheer capacity of media reporting this past month has made this mourning process nearly impossible. The narratives, the exclusives, it’s all so inhumane — and as someone with a larger awareness of the music industry than most, had me questioning if I really want anything to do with it at all. However, I have come to the decision that I do, because I want things to change.

[PHOTO CREDIT] Moonbin’s Memorial | Seoul, South Korea 04/2023 by Jamison Costolnick

Unfortunately, I experienced the breaking of similar news when abroad in South Korea. I was getting ready for bed, lofting in a hallway-sized dorm with two of my best-friends when a refresh of Twitter (X) changed our bedtime quite a bit.

We cried. Hard. Moon Bin, a singer from South Korean boyband Astro, was found dead at his home in Seoul.

Emma and I don’t admit it often, but we met thru enjoying Astro’s music. And we both met Madeline thru a shared passion for global music.

[PHOTO CREDIT] Madeline, Emma and I at Namsan Tower 4/17/2024 by Jamison Costolnick

Again, I was mourning alongside people I wouldn’t have found without the music of who we lost.

A horrible reoccurrence, and a horrible set of circumstances — yet community remained strong.

In Seoul, Fantagio was surrounded by flowers, snacks favored by the singer, notes of well wishes, and fans with so much love — left to give to one another. Not far off from the communities of Directioners coordinating memorials and resurfacing their favorite moments in attempt to lend a giggle over the same jokes that we bonded over as teens.

There is a large part of ourselves we don’t necessarily give away, but open up, in order to become and remain a fan of someone — and I believe that vulnerability goes unrecognized. However, these experiences prove that those who are brave enough to let others in will always come out the other side, strong in numbers.

“And you will find me

Yeah, you will find me

In places that we’ve never been

For reasons we don’t understand

Walking in the wind.”

Walking in the Wind, One Direction.